Quotes About Humor

I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

It feels amazing to just be here and be able to share my jokes with the world. It's not so much about being a girl, it's about being a funny comic.

When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. - T-SHIRT

As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.

Let's face it: It's difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.

Comedy is an ability to observe and see what's funny in a situation and be able to forget yourself enough to do it.

I do like dating cynics - they tend to be incredibly funny.

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast.

I never said I was funny, OK, so stop staring at me.

So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.

It really seems to me that in the midst of great tragedy, there is always the horrible possibility that something terribly funny will happen.

Modern houses are so small we've had to train our dog to wag its tail up and down and not sideways.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

Walked right by an ex-girlfriend today. Not on purpose, I just didn't recognize her with her mouth closed.

What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries? Mere killing would be too light.

I got off the plane - I was walking and cooking at the same time.

I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!

If you catch me saying 'I am a serious actor,' I beg you to slap me.