Quotes About Humor

Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn't funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, 'What did he say?'

You show me a truly funny girl who doesn't have emotional issues, and I'll introduce you to my stable of unicorn thoroughbreds ridden by leprechaun jockeys.

We were talking briefly about cocaine... yeah. Anything that makes you paranoid and impotent, give me more of that!

We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.

There's something dangerous about what's funny. Jarring and disconcerting. There is a connection between funny and scary.

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.

Even the gods love jokes.

If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.

The best way to get husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they are too old to do it.

The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer.

My dog watches me on TV. So, if I may take this opportunity, "No! No! No!"

You learn a lot though when you have kids, I'll tell you what. Did you know when a baby poops its diapers, you're not supposed to hit him with a rolled-up newspaper?

A lot of my rhymes are just to get chuckles out of people. Anybody with half a brain is going to be able to tell when I'm joking and when I'm serious.

I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you.

My dad died, and my grandfather died, and my great-grandfather died. And the guy before him, I don't know. Probably died.

Responding to a question about remarks attributed to him that he did not think were his: "I really didn't say everything I said."

I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!

Guns don't kill people, people kill people, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun).

I used to have a drug problem, but now I have enough money.

I'm in favour of drug tests, just so long as they are multiple choice.

I was once thrown out of a mental hospital for depressing the other patients.