Quotes About Humor

It is requisite for the relaxation of the mind that we make use, from time to time, of playful deeds and jokes.

And the thing about my jokes is, they don't hurt anybody. You can take 'em or leave 'em - you can say they're funny or they're terrible or they're good, or whatever, but you can just pass 'em by. But with Congress, every time they make a joke, it's a law! And every time they make a law, it's a joke!

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee, and I'll forgive Thy great big joke on me.

The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.

Suppose the world were only one of God's jokes, would you work any the less to make it a good joke instead of a bad one?

A woman came to ask the doctor if a woman should have children after thirty-five. I said, 'Thirty-five children is enough for any woman.'

The child had his mother's eyes, his mother's nose, and his mother's mouth. Which leaves his mother with a pretty blank expression.

If it's five o'clock and the children are still alive, I've done my job.

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible.

The crisis of today is the joke of tomorrow.

For every ten jokes, thou hast got a hundred enemies

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO!

If a condescending joke is truly funny, make yourself the subject- you will increase the number of people laughing by at least one.

That sad moment when you dip your Oreo into the milk for too long and it breaks off.

America's one of the finest countries anyone ever stole.

On Christmas day you can't get sore, Your fellow man you must adore, There's time to cheat him all the more The other three hundred and sixty-four

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go."

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I only had a high school education and believe me, I had to cheat to get that.

So you wanna hear a joke, its not funny so you wont laugh, so there are three tomatoes walking down the street mamma tomato pappa tomato and baby tomato, so baby tomato starts lagging behind and pappa tomato gets mad and goes back and squashes baby tomato and says ketchup.

You know it's a sad day when your child looks at you and asks 'Daddy, are these organic?'