Quotes About Humor

My girlfriend bought be a collared shirt for my birthday, mainly so I dont get too far ahead of her when she takes me for a walk.

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'Id like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like some fries with that?'

White parents use time out. My mom used a different type of time out. She'd be like, 'There...take time out to pick up your teeth.'

Doing a book signing tomorrow at Barnes & Noble. Bring your own book...I haven't written one yet.

I was making out with this woman, and my shirt was off, and she leaned over and, in a really cute, girly voice, went, 'Hey, fatty!'

You got to be a stupid motherf*cker to get fired on your day off. -Smokey

If you ever start taking things too seriously, just remember that we are talking monkeys on an organic spaceship flying through the universe.

If you're looking for sympathy you'll find it between sh.. and syphilis in the dictionary.

I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

I used to work at the unemployment office. I hated it, because when they fired me, I had to show up to work anyway.

I want to meet a guy named Art. I'd take him to a museum, hang him on the wall, criticize him, and leave.

Almost everyone has or will experience getting dumped in their lifetime. Unless, of course, you're a nun. Jesus can't dump nuns.

Apparently I'm a 'Long' texter. Thanks for the criticism. Next time I'll just write 'F*ck you Grandpa.' instead.

'True Life: I Have A Hot Mom' is easily my favorite True Life.

I DON'T have EX's! I have Y's. Like 'Y the hell did I date you?!'

I'm not overweight. I'm just nine inches too short.

Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th.

Ever have that one friend who gets a Valentine's Day gift for their mother? Doens't that freak you out a little? It's like, 'I don't know how to break this to you but I think she's banging your dad!

Valentine's day has gotten blown way out of proportion. Valentine's Day just used to be for your girlfriend or your wife but now everyone's like 'Oh, happy valentine's day!' I even got a Valentine's Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago!

Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!

When a man laughs at his troubles he loses a great many friends. They never forgive the loss of their prerogative.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing.