Quotes About Humor

One woman I was dating called and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

If you were to open up a baby's head -- and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should -- you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.

Before I got married, I had six theories about bringing up children. Now, I have six children and no theories.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up they have no holidays.

Marry an orphan: you'll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

Wagner's music is better than it sounds.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

I've risen from the dead. Though sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I feel like I've died. I swear I'm aging in dog years. But no, I'm not dead. It's funny how stuff like that gets started.

The Irish ignore anything they can't drink or punch.

I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.

I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows till you come home.

Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.

I used to keep my college room mate from reading my personal mail by hiding it in her textbooks.

My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying, 'Well that taught me a lesson'.

I speak twelve languages. English is the bestest

I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like: What I'm going to be if I grow up.

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.