Quotes About Humor

Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes.

I see my face in the mirror and go, 'I'm a Halloween costume? That's what they think of me?

This Halloween the most popular mask is the Arnold Schwarzenegger mask. And the best part? With a mouth full of candy you will sound just like him.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.

My school was so tough the school newspaper had an obituary section.

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me superman.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.

Adam was the luckiest man in the world. He had no mother-in-law.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

Baseball is very big with my people. It figures. It's the only way we can get to shake a bat at a white man without starting a riot.

I knew when my career was over. In 1965, my baseball card came out with no picture.

I know a baseball star who wouldn't report the theft of his wife's credit cards because the thief spends less than she does.

There are a good many fools who call me a friend, and also a good many friends who call me a fool.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

You grow up the day you have your first real laugh -- at yourself.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound as they fly by.

Borrow your wife's pink slippers just to go check the mail and everybody in the whole damn community will stop by to chat. True story. FML.

Why is it so hard to find an exercise bike with a nice little basket where I can put my nachos?

Yesterday, at a restaurant, I asked the waiter how he prepared the chicken. He replied, "We don't...we just tell it straight that it's going to die!"

In school I was never the class clown, but more the class trapeze artist. I was always being suspended.