Quotes About Humor

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have kill you too.

A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad.

When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?

Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit. That's why you should never date a baseball player.

We got new advice as to what motivated man to walk upright: to free his hands for masturbation.

Analysing humour is like dissecting a frog few people are interested, and the frog dies.

More fun than a barrel of monkeys. Has anyone ever stopped to think how cranky, if not downright vicious, a barrelful of monkeys would be, especially once released from the barrel?

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

After all these years, its still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.

I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool.

I went into McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." And the girl behind the counter says, "Would you like fries with that?"

I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex. In fact, I just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

You better cut the pizza in four pieces, because I'm not hungry enough to eat six.

The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.

I once dated a girl on the track team. It didn't work out. She kept giving me the runaround.

I was dating a guy for a while because he told me he had an incurable disease. I didn't realize it was stupidity.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, 'I want my daughter back by 8:15.' I said, 'The middle of August? Cool!'

I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn't really a date date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed.