Quotes About Humor

Most of the time when people laugh at me...I'm not trying to be funny.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.

It is great to be a blonde. With low expectations it's very easy to surprise people.

Nothing more cheerful than talking about our friends shortcomings.

Look, if I'd wanted a lecture on the rights of man, I'd have gone to bed with Martin Luther.

If you dont drink, then all of your stories suck and end with, And then I got home...

When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few steps ahead is the one that's mad.

Nothing spoils romance so much as a sense of humour in the woman.

The older theory was, marry an older man because they're more mature. But the new theory is men don't mature. Marry a younger one.

I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance -waiting for the bathroom.

Everything I buy is vintage and smells funny. Maybe that's why I don't have a boyfriend.

For my high colestorol my doctor prescribed me a boyfriend.

My boyfriend and I live together, which means we don't have sex ever. Now that the milk is free, we've both become lactose intolerant.

My mom always complains about my lack of a boyfriend. Well, next time she asks, I'm going to tell her I'm dating two different guys...Mr. Duracell and Mr. Energizer.

My marriage is on the rocks again; yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

I wanted to make it really special on Valentine's Day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours I watched whatever I wanted on TV.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.

If you tell the truth about how youre feeling, it becomes funny.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

A man doesn't know what happiness is until he's married. By then it's too late.

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

Wealth - any income that is at least one hundred dollars more a year than the income of one's wife's sister's husband.

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

I learned a long time ago that minor surgery is when they do the operation on someone else, not you.