Quotes About Humor

The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.

What's the three words you never want to hear while making love? Honey, I'm home.

Nothing spoils a romance so much as a sense of humor in the woman.

I'm so unlucky that if I was to fall into a barrel of nipples I'd come out sucking my thumb.

An old jeep, so nobody will say I'm driving a BMW anymore. I couldn't stand that BMW, ha ha ha! BMW make pure trouble!

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face .... turned me over and said. Look ... twins!

I need the heart of a brave man, the soul of a wise man, the protection of a CIA agent, the humor of a stand up comedian, and the love of Christ Himself.

Seven out of ten people suffer from hemmorhoids. Does this mean that the other three enjoy it.

If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

I think a good product would be Baby Duck Hat. It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, 'I swallowed it. So sue me.

I'm not a blonde!! I'm knot! I'm knot! I'm knot!

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, No hablo ingles.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax; tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something.

A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going for help, then go about ten feet and pretend YOU got bit by a snake. Then start an argument about who's going to get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast.

What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth ? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad.

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, 'There's water in the carburettor'. I said, 'Where's the car?' She said, 'In the lake'.