Quotes About Humor

A man should be taller, older, heavier, uglier, and hoarser than his wife.

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the questions?

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion. He said .... Alright.... you're ugly too!

A husband is a guy who tells you when you've got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.

Ah Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.

I say 'I'm sorry.' It usually disarms them.

SS: Jesus is Magic.

I was going to get an abortion the other day. I totally wanted an abortion. And it turns out I was just thirsty.

You have to be able to laugh at yourself. That's what I tell Asian people all the time.

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

I chased a woman for almost two years only to discover her tastes were exactly like mine - we were both crazy about girls.

I'll tell you why we make fun of midgets: We're not afraid of them.

Love laughs at locksmiths.

I'll moider da bum - when asked what he thought of William Shakespeare

Of course I don't always enjoy being a mother. At those times my husband and I hole up somewhere in the wine country, eat, drink, make mad love and pretend we were born sterile and raise poodles

Love is all fun and games until someone loses an eye or gets pregnant.

A slight touch of friendly malice and amusement towards those we love keeps our affections for them from turning flat.

I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me.

Love is one of those jokes you have to be there to get.

Andy: Look at our love fern! It's dead! Ben: No it's only sleeping.

If I can't get the girl, at least give me more money

Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!