Quotes About Humor

It was so cold I almost got married

There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't.

I married a German. Every night I dress up as Poland and he invades me.

I'd marry again if I found a man who had fifteen million dollars, would sign over half to me, and guarantee that he'd be dead within a year.

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can't sleep with the window open.

They asked her (Ruth Graham) did she ever think about divorce and she said, 'No, I've never thought of divorce in all these 35 years of marriage, but,' she said, 'I did think of murder a few times

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.

Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an institution?

The most dangerous food is wedding cake

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.

I never married because I have three pets at home that answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finish up.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Zsa Zsa Gabor got married as a one-off, and it was so successful she turned it into a series.

It is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones!

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.