Quotes About Humor

That means I can drive a flock of sheep through the town centre, drink for free in no less than 64 pubs and get a lift home with the police when I become inebriated. What more could you want?

I believe that if you go on a date and get to second base and then you go home alone and rub one out, that's like runs batted in.

When girls walk home we put on lippy and makeup. We chat. Sometimes we pretend to be hunchbacks. But that is it. Perfectly normal behavior.

I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops

He may be president, but he still comes home and swipes my socks.

You can't ride home on a bowl of goat.

Unfriending me when I didn't even know we were friends? It's like breaking wind when you're home alone. If I can't smell you, knock yourself out.

I gotta go home and feed my eels. They're not electric, but I have a plan.

It's not stalking if you don't follow them home, right?

I used to think that diamonds were a girl's best friend, but now I realize it's carbohydrates. Seriously, I have a French baguette at home sporting a matching friendship bracelet.

When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where's the car? She said, In a lake.

These were people... who built redwood decks on their mobile homes and have no idea that smart-aleck Yankees think that is somehow funny. People of the pines. My people.

It's the worst feeling when you come home alone late at night and think the stranger sitting on your couch is a pile of clothes.

My horse was in the lead, coming down the home stretch, but the caddie fell off.

I'm not going to sit on the porch of the old anchorman's home with a drool cup.

I was a born club comic. Radio and TV and stage were fine, but I found my real home in cabaret.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck.

I was the class clown at school, but at home, my family wasn't very funny.

I'm something like the old soak who never knew whether his wife told him to take one drink and come home at 12, or take 12 and come home at one.

In an evil hour thou bring'st her home. [You are marrying a shrew.]

I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.

I remember the average curate at home as something between a eunuch and a snigger.

Dickens, as you know, never got round to starting his home page.