Quotes About Humor

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.

There's something whimsical, satirical, and silly about British humor, which Americans have always enjoyed, and lots of us come over here because we have an audience of people who enjoy it.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look.

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

All humor is rooted in pain.

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?

Grace creates liberated laughter. The grace of God...is beautiful, and it radiates joy and awakens humor.

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

I stopped and I thought, 'What would Jesus do?' So I didn't exist.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.

Like a welcome summer rain, humor may suddenly cleanse and cool the earth, the air and you.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

I have a crazy sense of humor so if someone is just trying to be rude to me, or if you can tell that someone is angry for no reason, I like to entertain them.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.