Quotes About Humor

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

Be amusing: never tell unkind stories; above all, never tell long ones.

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.

My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"

When the media ask George W. Bush a question, he answers, 'Can I use a lifeline?'

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

The only thing worth having in an earthly existence is a sense of humor.

My experience is to deal with things through humor.

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

I'm sort of like a post-modern vegetarian; I eat meat ironically.

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.

It's good to be here. I'm just trying to go through life without looking stupid. It's not working out too well.

The plural of spouse is spice.

People are always introducing me as Sarah Silverman, Jewish comedienne. I hate that! I wish people would see me for who I really am — I'm white!

Buy a condom, ribbed for her pleasure. Turn it inside out, now it's ribbed for your pleasure.

I got binoculars 'cause I don't want to go that close.

The law of levity is allowed to supersede the law of gravity.

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law, and every time they make a law it's a joke.

A sense of humor is the best indicator that you will recover; it is often the best indicator that people will love you. Sustain that and you have hope.

People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?

Humor is not a trick, not jokes. Humor is a presence in the world - like grace - and shines on everybody.