Quotes About Humor

I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow.

Do you reckon the Queen has ever pulled a blanket up so just her head's showing and gone 'Philip, look at me! I'm a stamp!'

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait".

I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I'm not even white. I'm off-white. It's a new race; we will prevail!

Sarcasm is the lowest form of humor but the highest form of flattery.

Humor is really laughing off a hurt, grinning at misery.

I like girls with a good sense of humor.

I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.

What I'd like to do now - well, what I'd like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.

Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist.

I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.

The polls indicated that I was feisty, that I was tough, that I had a sense of humor, but they weren't quite sure if they liked me and they didn't know whether or not that I was sensitive.

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

In some sort of crude sense, which no vulgarity, no humor, no overstatement can quite extinguish, the physicists have known sin; and this is a knowledge which they cannot lose.

The things we laugh at are awful while they are going on, but get funny when we look back. And other people laugh because they've been through it too. The closest thing to humor is tragedy.

I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles.

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

You try various things when you're growing up. I was an attache in the Foreign Service for a while and then I drove a bulldozer, but neither of those panned out for me so it had to be stand-up.

People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard - after that he went downhill very quickly.

I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, "Hey, do you mind if I join you?" Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.