Quotes About Humor

I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.

I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it hurts, but you've got to admire the workmanship.

I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.

I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!

Thank you for calling the Weight Loss Hotline. If you'd like to lose a half pound right now, press 1 eighteen thousand times.

We laugh, that we may not cry.

Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing.

There are two Newman's laws. The first one is "It is useless to put on your brakes when you're upside down." The second is "Just when things look darkest, they go black.

I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.

Anybody with a good sense of humor is one-up on their competition. We respond to somebody who has the ability to make us laugh. It's a bonding influence.

Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.

I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.

Ah, babies! They're more than just adorable little creatures on whom you can blame your farts.

I want to help people, give hope to all. Humor is the foundation of our lives.

English is my second language. Laughter is my first.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!"

I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy.

Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?

My wife had her drivers' test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.