Quotes About Humor

While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

I make sure that my pictures are not too erotic and that they always have a trace of humor. I make sure they are 'in good taste.' Either you understand it or not.

I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say "I'm hungry", and so it died.

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"

Have you seen the bologna that has the olives in it? Who's that for? 'I like my bologna like a martini. With an olive.' 'I'll have the bologna sandwich - dirty.'

I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said 'cut it out'

God displayed a sense of humor when he configured the region between our legs an entertainment complex built around a sewage system.

Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.

I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath.

I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

I used to be neurotic. I didn't like myself very much. But somewhere in my mid-40s, my neuroses stopped seeming so important. I developed a sense of humor.

Humor is reason gone mad.

An old battleax of a woman said to Winston Churchill, "If you were my husband I would put poison in your tea." Churchill's response, "Ma'am if you were my wife I would drink it.

If not for me being stoned and clinging to a taco, it would have been terribly romantic.

I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as '4's'?

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

That's part of our policy, is not to be taken seriously because I think our opposition, whoever they may be in all their manifest forms, don't know how to handle humour.