Quotes About Humor

I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt."

I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add "er".

I'm the munter of my friends. I've got wonky teeth and a lazy eye. My friend Rob is disgusted I'm a heart-throb.

I had used my sense of humor; I had called it proportion, perspective. But perspective is distance.

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.

I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I wrote a joke that didn't work, but now I have to tell it for a year.

And with a little sense of humor we can say that there are Christian bats who prefer the shadows to the light of the presence of the Lord.

Humor is the most honest of emotions. Applause for a speech can be insincere, but with humor, if the audience doesn't like it there's no faking it.

A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.

I actually wrestled in high school. I was only in one match, and I lost... my virginity.

So I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.

It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Militant feminists, I take my hat off to them, they don't like that.

Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, someone's drunk in the kitchen.

As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.

Meow" means "woof" in cat.

Keeping an active mind has been vital to my survival, as has been maintaining a sense of humor.

Written on her tombstone: "I told you I was sick.

Who knew hitting my head and passing out would be so much fun?

Laughter is good for you. Nine out of ten stand-up comedians recommend laughter in the face of intense stupidity.

My dad instilled in me a great sense of humor. I wasn't bullied at school because my outward attitude was confident, and that helps.