Quotes About Humor

I believe, firmly, that women are always right. Ah, I should actually rephrase that: I... don't.

Why don't they have waiters in waiting rooms?

I would like to throw an egg into an electric fan.

If you can't joke about the most horrendous things in the world, what's the point of jokes? What's the point in having humor? Humor is to get us over terrible things.

I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.

I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.

Procrastinate now, don't put it off.

When things are at their blackest, I say to myself, 'Cheer up, things could be worse.' And sure enough, they get worse.

The only really sane person in there is Igor, and possibly the turnip. And I'm not sure about the turnip.

If you get a diagnosis, get on a therapy, keep a good attitude and keep your sense of humor.

Do fish get cramps after eating?

The most profound indication of social malignancy ... no sense of humor. None of the monoliths could take a joke.

I went to a tent store. "What kind of tent do you need?" "Circus."

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

I thought "RV" stood for "Recreational Vehicle." No! It stands for "Ruins Vacations."

I have three kids, one of each.

You may not like the humor, but that is why every radio has an on-off button.

Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.

I think my sense of humor is Jewish. I'm smarter than most white people, which is kind of a Jewish thing, too.

I hope you accidentally drink leukemia at a picnic.

The problem with the designated driver programme, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At then end of the night drop them off at the wrong house.

There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.

People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House.