Quotes About Humor

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".

Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it.

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow.

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

Humor is a reminder that no matter how high the throne one sits on, one sits on one's bottom.

If all the fools in this world should die, lordly God how lonely I should be.

I believe humor nullifies violence.

If you're a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to have very good posture.

Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.

There are many things that I find attractive about a woman. Foremost to me, of course, would be a sense of humor-but that doesn't come in a bottle.

Mmm, tastes like hepatitis!

I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who has AIDS?". He says, "No". I say, "Cool, because you know me."

So far, this is the oldest I've been.

Good humor and enthusiasm should be the sunshine ahead that will keep that shadow behind.

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation.

Dali Lama said, 'when you open the heart of the person with humor, you can tell him the most truth. But if you tell him truth without humor, the heart closes.'

You got to pay your dues to get the joke. Besides, laughter is cheap and very portable. If there's a pogrom, or they're blaming you for the plague, nothing is easier to pack than a sense of humor.

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done.

If there's anything I hate it's the word humorist-I feel like countering with the word seriousist.

It's a very important skill set for an actor to be able to bring the humor into any moment, whether you're doing drama or comedy.

All higher humor begins with ceasing to take oneself seriously.

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough'