Quotes About Humor

The comic spirit is given to us in order that we may analyze, weigh, and clarify things in us which nettle us, or which we are outgrowing, or trying to reshape

My wife's gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, 'pregnant.'

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

It's a basic rule of humor that a joke is always at somebody's expense. Really good jokes, however, tend to be at everyone's expense.

I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say "My Bad!".

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

Humor is the best means of surviving in a difficult world.

My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.

The Second Amendment! It says you have the right to bear arms, or the right to arm bears, whatever the hell you want to do!

Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.

The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.

Colombian humor is very black, very sarcastic.

I believe my friends think I'm funny. All the books are full of humor. Maybe it is a quiet sort of humor that masquerades as not-much-at-all. It is certainly easy to miss.

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.

I use a lot of humor in my writing. But it's completely black humor.

I have no qualifications to do anything else and there weren't any formal application forms you had to fill in for stand-up, so I thought I'd give that a twist.

I do find that humor helps in relationships. It certainly helps in my marriage now because I'm a very, very fallible person. And if I wasn't funny I'd be kicked right out the door.

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

Humor prevents a hardening of the attitudes.

How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! ...no eight!

People have lost their sense of humor. In former times, we constantly made jokes about different races.

My wife had a go at me last night. She said, Youll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds.