Quotes About Humor

Yeah, world peace would be all right, but what about a day off in a slab of ham the size of my head.

He who laughs loudest has a high probability of being extremely inebriated.

Dating--the socially accepted alternative to the rack.

Just when you think you have life by the tail, it's likely to whip around and take a hunk outta your balls.

The theory of relativity doesn't amount to a hill of beans when there's a bonfire in your shorts.

Just remember this, Missy, escargot ain't nothin' but snails with their noses stuck in the air.

Will there be cheese?" asked Chisolm.

I feel like I've been ironing all day in high heels and no brassiere. ~Tizzy Donovan, Laid Out and Candle Lit

If you enjoy sticking a straw in a dog's ear, don't sit next to the pooch with a milkshake.

You want some advice?""Yes""Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

After we deal and heal...NOT A A SHRED OF EVIDENCE EXISTS THAT LIFE IS SERIOUS.....Jan Marshall

Because being assaulted with maxi pads is a great way to win friends and influence people.

Leo, " Jason said, "you're weird.""Yeah, you tell me that a lot." Leo grinned. "But if you don't remember me, that means I can reuse all my old jokes...!

(About a cookbook...)- What about this one? Maids of Honor?- Weeelll, they starts OUT as Maids of Honor...but they ends up Tarts.

Yo! Hold my poodle!

Don't waste water on washing your shirt, use photoshop!

I could say how well he dances, but that isn't true, for he dances like that big friendly bear I saw last Christmas.

If one door closes and another door opens, chances are your house is haunted.

Pissing out the window, and sh*tting out the window, are two different things!

And I thought kitty liter was the unlawful practice of discarding small felines along the roadside.

As a comedian, the more you commit the sin of stupidity, three essential things happen to your life:~people applaud you incessantly.~love you more than their parents.~give you a daily bread.

...every year for decades there had been great excitement over the Largest Vegetable competition ("That would be my husband", was the standard comment).

I guess the breakfast burritos are going to have some extra protein in the morning.

Bet you've never had a bear down your pants before. Though I'm kind of a bear in bed. (Rick from Back to Basics)