Quotes About Humor

I had received a t-shirt from my best friend Veronica at my police academy graduation. It reads, 'Throw your donut in the opposite direction and the cops won't get you.' I love wearing that t-shirt.

Way to defuse a situation. It's tough to enjoy a good bloodbath in the middle of a PowerPoint presentation.

Sometimes you feel as though you've slandered yourself, but the joke's on them.

Hell's got IT?Yes, of course. Who do you think invented Candy Crush?

Seriously, I 've got to know if I need to protect you from people running with pencils." ~ Laney

I'll just stay ten feet away from him at all times so I don't accidentally trip and fall and land lips first on his mouth.

I'm thinking there should be a dating site called "Tap That" - Jonathan "Jack" McVoy

Our specialty was exasperated dignity and the discombombulation of Authority.

You can't draw lines in the sand like that. Humour's a tsunami that doesn't care about your little lines.

This is the funniest book I've ever held in my hands. --Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize winning humorist and author says about Radical Sabbatical

My daughter asked if the boogie man was scary. I said, "Not as scary as the boogie woman.

Nobody touches my ding dongs!

If we get a 3D printer at the office, the first thing I'm printing with it is a new 3D printer just for me!

Ever notice that phrenologists have funny-shaped heads?

Secret 3963. It's only a sucking chest wound if you're not the shooter.

The wise man sees the fool & laughs & the fool never knows why

When men and women produce a baby together for the first time, it's an absolute festival of mutual incompetence.From The Wife Drought

At weddings old people poke me and say, "you're next, " so I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

His age was indeterminate. But in cynicism and general world weariness, which is a sort of carbon dating of the personality, he was about seven thousand years old.

Kei: Is there anything else you need while I'm here, Your Highness?Cabot: No, but you can leave the sarcasm in there.

Hi! I'm Ethan, I shop at Ikea. I bought a $300 dining suite and it took me three days to assemble!

Breslin gives me his wise-teacher smile, which is kind and crinkly and would make me feel warm all over if I was dumber than a bag of hair.

It's better to shut a fool's mouth with sarcasm rather than cursing him back.

If your career doesn't work out, write a book about it.