Quotes About Humor

I couldn't be in a relationship without equality, generosity, integrity, spirit, kindness and humor. And awesomeness.

Humor and knowledge are the two great hopes of our culture.

Knowledge empowers people. If people know the rules, and are sensitized by art, humor, and creativity, they are much more likely to accept change.

Is it a manly game," he asked, for while men are ruled by their loins, those loins have two small brains each no larger than an olive and thus do not think well.

"As Miss America, my goal is to bring peace to the entire world, and then get my own apartment."

A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: if you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.

Fourteen members of the House of Representatives got stuck in an elevator together, and it ended badly. They got out.

There was a 194-car crash in Los Angeles. Luckily the guy in the first car was still able to complete his cell phone call.

I saw a stupid ad for a microwave that cooks in ten seconds. Are there really people who say, "I've been home for ten seconds, where the hell is dinner?"

You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.

I wanted to have a career in sports when I was young, but I had to give it up. I'm only six feet tall, so I couldn't play basketball. I'm only 190 pounds, so I couldn't play football. And I have 20-20 vision, so I couldn't be a referee.

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.

How would it be if we discovered that aliens only stopped by earth to let their kids take a leak?

You cannot be mad at somebody who makes you laugh - it's as simple as that.

My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.

I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?

I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out.

I went to the store and bought lady fingers, when I got home I noticed one of the fingers was missing so I went back to the store and the manager was nice enough to give me the finger.

I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.

You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over? Movie Day.

If you want God to laugh, make plans.

Love is blind. God is Love. Ray Charles is blind. Therefore Ray Charles must be God"14 Tom Waits was already a believer.

Once, while traveling in the eastern edge of the district, he arrived at a small town late in the afternoon, jumped from the car, headed straight to the hotel, and invited everyone in the bar to have a drink—on him. Only after the bartender began pouring did Roosevelt think to ask where he was: Sharon, Connecticut, not only the wrong district but the wrong state. Undaunted, Roosevelt grinned and paid up; and then proceeded to reuse the story and the joke for years.