Quotes About Humor

I think my sense of humor is Jewish. I'm smarter than most white people, which is kind of a Jewish thing, too.

The only difference between a pigeon and the American farmer today is that a pigeon can still make a deposit on a John Deere.

One of the few times in a man's life when he is not full of shit!! The morning of a colonoscopy. Enough said!

This is a honeydew day. That is when you get a day off and the wife says, "Honey, do this," and "Honey, do that" around the house.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments.

Some of the worst mistakes in my life were haircuts

I've noticed that when people are joking they're usually dead serious, and when they're serious, they're usually pretty funny.

If your caddie coaches you on the tee, 'Hit it down the left side with a little draw,' ignore him. All you do on the tee is try not to hit the caddie.

Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss

The challenge of leadership is to be strong, but not rude; be kind, but not weak; be bold, but not bully; be thoughtful, but not lazy; be humble, but not timid; be proud, but not arrogant; have humor, but without folly

I broke my arm in 3 places so I wont be going back to those places.

I have hair in places monkeys dont.While giving birth my mother almost dies from rug burn.

the cure for a toothache was to slap the other side of your face.

sometimes in life, you either laugh or you cry. And I prefer to laugh.

what else is there to do but laugh and joke...how else can you bear up under the unbearable?

If we weren't all crazy, we would go insane.

Humor has bailed me out of more tight situations than I can think of. If you go with your instincts and keep your humor, creativity follows. With luck, success comes, too.

After a gig I always head back to the hotel, remembering granny's words of wisdom. I cancel the late-night pizza and watch the Jonathan Ross show instead.

I didn't plan to be the rude middle-class comedian. You write a certain type of joke that you find funny, and mine happen to be often rude. Yes, it's juvenile, but that's me.

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech–every now and then she stops to breathe.

Thank you paper clips, for being like staples that can't commit.

Leno, Conan. They are both really funny. They really know how to land one.

I'm on so late I'm definitely the last seconds of anyone's attention. So I just want to give them something dumb to laugh at, so they go, 'That's funny ' then fall asleep.

Thank you leaf blowers, for making me look like the world's lamest Ghostbuster. I ain't afraid of no leaves.