Quotes About Humor

How in the heck can I wash my neck if it ain't gonna rain no more?

Spread the diaper in the position of the diamond with you at bat. Then fold second base down to home and set the baby on the pitcher's mound. Put first base and third together, bring up home plate and pin the three together. Of course, in case of rain, you gotta call the game and start all over again.

A joke by fellow Texan and humorist Jack Handey sprang to mind: When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did—in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.

Hetta, we are women. Being stupid about men is our job. If we weren't stupid, we wouldn't have anything to do with them.

To paraphrase W.C. Fields, the bastard drove me to drink and I forgot to thank him

there's a better place to store your dead batteries than in your camera." "Yeah, I know. I usually keep them in my flashlight.

was so depressed last night I called one of those suicide hot lines. I reached a call center in Pakistan. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.—Anonymous on the Internet

It feels weird right at this moment to not be anybody's sidekick. Hard to explain, but when I look at the moon, it seems like it's paying attention to me, instead of me paying attention to it. It's way up there now. Hi, moon, I say silently to it. Yes, I'm high, it says back. The moon has a sense of humor.

They say men can never experience the pain of childbirth. They can... if you hit them in the goolies with a cricket bat for fourteen hours.

The thing I thought about doing it was it's Comic Relief and you've got to be funny. So although I did try to sing properly it obviously has hilarious results when you can't sing.

I thought I was funny as a kid.

There are 10-20 times more male comics than female comics it's something to do with the social structure of society.

I made a supreme effort not to do that thing that parents do, which is to bore people without children to death by going on and on about how funny their children are, so there's none of that hopefully.

Who do I like? I am a big fan of French and Saunders - not that that they are particularly stand-up I have to say, but I think they have been great for women and they are of themselves just incredibly funny whether they are male or female.

He paused, gazing down at her in amusement, "Do you know when I first fell in love with you?" "No, when?" she asked, intrigued. "When you got out of your SUV looking hotter than a firecracker and madder than hell, and you said, 'Don't they stop at red lights where you're from, Forest Gump"'" --Zack to Cori after their first "I love you's

Having said that, I'll give the two of you my full blessing and support--provided you're not yanking her around," she advised, addressing Sean. "I'm not, I swear." "Good. Because if I find out you are? I'll cut off your balls and use them as Christmas ornaments. We're clear?" "Mama!" He nearly choked on a bit of pie. "Crystal." Amelia graced him with the full force of her angelic smile. "Fantastic. More pie?" -Eve's Mama

I'm not that squeamish, Mr. Stone." "Ethan," he said. "I'm naked. I'm in a tub. You're wearing my nightshirt. You've already slept in my bed. I think you should call me Ethan.

I will laugh about this one day, I told myself. I will laugh about it with people so clever and sophisticated I can't imagine them properly now.

I didn't laugh, but it was a near thing. It's hard when someone is just exactly like a parody.

You can't hold a conversation in Brazil without jokes . . . you knowhow Brazilians are. Brazilians are women, booze, soccer, carnival, and dirty jokes.

His humor was dry, private, and splendid. Sometimes he would start to chuckle. A little at a time, his lips would move from a genuine smile to a pucker. Then, instantly, he would tighten them back in, until a tiny convulsion of laughter would bring them back to the smile, and sometimes, a full grin followed by laughter.

To quote Shirley Polanski, head waitress at the Humdinger Diner: "Beware of a big man whose stomach doesn't move when he laughs." I think a Chinese philosopher said it first, but these things trickle down to the food service community.

You got to laugh Tree, if you don't you'll cry.

In life you have to laugh or you'll cry