Quotes About Humor

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, "Get the hell off my property."

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up.

If God wanted us to bend over he would put diamonds on the floor

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

It's obvious that women are smarter than men. Think about it - diamonds are a girl's best friend; man's best friend is a dog.

If you have more than a couple of kids, you're not parents—you're hoarders. And hoarding is a disorder, not a gift.

The only good thing about age is that sooner or later all of the SOBs who dumped you are going to die.

Hey, you're taking up the entire sidewalk, bitch!" She scowled and yelled, "I have children!" I yelled back at her, "Well, next time give your husband a blow job and you won't! Why should I have to walk into oncoming traffic because you don't want to give a little head?

I hate McDonald's. I don't want to order my dinner by yelling into a clown's mouth. If I want my face in a clown's mouth, I'll tongue kiss Glenn Beck.

Laughing made me feel safe. I was not going to be enveloped by the seediness that coated this world like dust.

I hate weddings. Weddings are nothing more than catering with virgins. Sorry, in the old days it was virgins; now it's baby mommas.

I had a blind date with a dentist — and he told me to come back in six months.

I hate Arizona. It always eight hundred degrees outside and everybody's always saying, "But it's a dry heat!" So's the inside of my microwave.

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny.

I said, "Is there!" I told him there is a Mafia school where they teach them math — if Johnny has ten fingers and they cut off two, how many does he have left?

People say it is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money you can have a key made.

Humor doesn't come out of the good times, it comes out of the anger, pain and sorrow. Always the anger.

The revelation that personal truth can be the foundation of comedy, that outrageousness can be cleansing and healthy…

But if the kid is really, really, really ugly, I'll think What the hell? and just give up and say, 'Where'd you buy the crib?

Sharon and Kelly Osbourne. I love the way they put aside ther difference and united for a commom purpose: trying to figure out what the hell Ozzy was saying.