Quotes About Humor

When I was born, my mother asked, 'Will she live?' The doctor said, "Only if you take your foot off her throat

I hate everyone, starting with myself. (Title of her autobiography.

Nobody died at our wedding.

Marie: So why are you called Horse? Horse: Cause I'm hung like one.

Jesus Christ… Thank fuck for that," Picnic said. "Nope, not Jesus, just a man," Horse whispered. "Although when women see my dick for the first time, they've been known to fall down on their knees and worship me.

Fuck, this is gonna piss you off and then you aren't gonna let me stick my dick in you," he muttered. "Do you have to be so crude?" I snapped. "Have you met me?" "Who says I'd let you do it anyway?" "Babe," he replied in a low, rough voice, raising his eyebrow at me.

Just 'cause I'm the picture of manly perfection doesn't mean I don't have a brain.

Fuck, this is gonna piss you off and then you aren't gonna let me stick my dick in you," he muttered. "Do you have to be so crude?" I snapped. "Have you met me?

I think you're a raging asshole. Ruger laughed. "Yeah, well I think you're a bitch, but my cock likes you, so we'll figure something out.

So far as I knew, Hallmark didn't make a "Sorry I Interrupted Your Oral Sex" card.

You want to kick me in the balls again?" Christ, did those words just come out of my mouth?

Is this the point where I sing the little song about Pic and London sittin' in a tree?" "Only if you want the tree shoved up your ass.

You look like shit," Horse said helpfully as he pulled up a lawn chair next to me. He sounded almost cheerful, which annoyed me. I glared at him and he smirked. "Still got a sweet butt though." I went from annoyed to pissed. "Don't call me that," I snapped. "I don't like it." "I know," he replied. "That's why I do it. You're cute when you're pissed. Kind of like a wet kitten. Gets me hard.

Shit," Clutch said after a few minutes. "The high-def has totally ruined porn. Are those ingrown hairs?

Good thing your cunt's so fucking hot." "Don't call it that." His lips twitched. "Good thing your vagina's so gosh-darned hot," he whispered. "Because I really, really want to stick my penis in it and have repeated intercourse, bringing us to a mutually satisfactory culmination of our desires. How's that sound?

Babe, I nearly shot Skid in the ass one time because a spider fell on me while I was holding a gun," I finally managed to say. "Those things freak me right the hell out. They got eight fuckin' legs, and that ain't natural. That's some Dr. Seuss shit right there.

Here's a suggestion for future reference, then," Horse said. "Try jerking off before answering the door if you want me to believe you don't think of her that way. Wood like you were sportin' usually implies the opposite. Unless it was for me? If that's the case, I'm genuinely flattered. No judgments.

What the hell is that?" I asked. "I mean, what are you supposed to be dressed like?" "I'm a sexy carrot." I looked at Dad and shook my head slowly. He wouldn't meet my eyes.

I tried to shoot him. In exchange he'd given me two orgasms, so I guess in some ways that counted as a win?

KIMBER: Be happy. U have a hot guy coming over and he's bringing dinner. Women have killed for less ME: Whose side you on? KIMBER: Mine. Haven't u figured this out yet? ME: Bitch KIMBER: Ho ME: At least I don't drive a minivan KIMBER: See if I make YOU margaritas again! LOW BLOW!!!!!! ME: <3

If Becca had any sense, she'd turn cold spray on my crotch.

Maybe I should stand outside the Adam & Eve store holding a sign reading "Single Mom, Anything Helps" and a cup for change.

So why are you called Horse?" "'Cause I'm hung like one," he replied, smirking.

There was no greater gift than making someone laugh. People who laughed were happy.