Quotes About Humor

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I told my doctor, "Every day I wake up, I look in the mirror, I want to throw up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect.