Quotes About Humor

My doctor's a very strange man. I said to him, "Doc, what's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?" He told me, "The taste.

In my life I've been through plenty. When I was three years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.

I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places.

I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.

I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.

I was always depressed, but I could tell a joke and get a laugh. But not from my mother. She never thought my jokes were funny.

When I was a kid, I got no respect. I told my mother I'm gonna run away from home. She said, "On your mark…

I tell ya, my wife likes to talk during sex. Last night, she called me from a motel.

I tell ya, my wife is never nice. She won a trip to Las Vegas for two. She went twice.

The toughest club I worked was owned by a guy named Nunzio. Man, he was tough. One day he said to me, "Kid, you wanna go hunting?" I said, "Okay, I'm game." And he shot me.

The other night, I had a date with a manicurist. We went to a nightclub. We started to hold hands. And while she was holding my hand, she took my other hand and put it in my drink.

I told my psychiatrist, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.

My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.

I asked my wife, "Last night, were you faking it?" She said, "No, I was really sleeping.

The day my wife and I got married—that was a beauty. I gave her the ring and she gave me the finger.

Last week, I went to a discount massage parlor—it was self-service.

With my ol' man, I got no respect. He told me to start at the bottom. He was teaching me how to swim.

Nothing goes right. I joined Gamblers Anonymous. They gave me two-to-one I don't make it.

We were poor. We were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.

My mother, she never breastfed me. She told me she liked me as a friend.

I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.

I never got girls when I was a kid. One girl told me, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. There was nobody home.

I told my dentist my teeth were all getting yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.

I was an ugly kid. My mother breast-fed me through a straw.