Quotes About Humor

Born ham, that's basically me.

My head looks like an uncooked ham with glasses.

I am a ham, I like to joke around.

An old ham like me needs to be on stage.

My all-time favourite children's book is 'Green Eggs and Ham' by Dr Seuss. Even as an adult I still appreciate it - what a masterclass in writing.

My brothers nicknamed me 'Hamburgers.'

I'm just an entertainer. All I want to be is funny. I never aspired to play Hamlet.

I do sometimes like a bit of cheese, like MC Hammer.

There are many terms that have been used to describe me: man, comedian, disappointment, hammock enthusiast.

I'm no day at the beach. And if it is a beach, it's Hampton Beach. Ever been there? It's not nice.

I've never tweeted. 'Funny or Die' started my Twitter account for me, and so I don't even have the password or anything like that. They started it, then they handed it off to other comics.

When you're a comedian, and you show up on set to a job where you're not writing, and you get handed material that's as good as we do on 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine,' you just feel lucky every day.

The highlight of my childhood was making my brother laugh so hard that food came out his nose.

Computers can never completely replace humans. They may become capable of artificial intelligence, but they will never master real stupidity.

I longed for the pitter-patter of little feet, so I got a dog. It's cheaper, and you get more feet.

Did you know that half of all people are below average?

The drag queen walks into a Catholic church as the priest is coming down the aisle swinging the incense pot. And he says to the priest, "Oh, honey, I love your dress, but did you know your handbag's on fire?

James Brown went to the pearly gates and met St. Peter who took him to a room where Jerry Garcia was playing and Jimi Hendricks and Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin. James Brown says, "I was worried maybe I was going to hell, but I guess not." Jerry Garcia says "You think this is heaven?" Just then Lawrence Welk walked in and says "All right, one more time. 'The Anniversary Waltz.' And a one and a two and a one, two, three…

Woman: Did you know that women are smarter than men? Man: No, I didn't. Woman: See what I mean?

How many consultants does it take to change a lightbulb? I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.

How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb? How many therapists do you think it takes to change a lightbulb?

How many pessimists does it take to change a lightbulb? Never mind. Nobody would get the joke anyway.

Women do not adore men; women are amused by men, we are a source of chuckles. That's because women are the makers of life, and we aren't. We will never be able to carry life within our bodies, never breast-feed. We get more than our share of loot and we are, for some reason, incredibly brave and funny and inventive, and yet our role in procreation basically is to get crazy and howl and spray our seed in all directions. •

Things aren't so bad if you can laugh at the Devil