Quotes About Humor

Going beyond sarcasm straight to out-and-out insult is delicious, like wriggling out of a pair of Spanx.

Every time I start feeling sexy I trip.

Satire is tragedy plus time.

Jerry Ford is so dumb he can't walk and chew gum at the same time.... He's a nice fellow, but he spent too much time playing football without a helmet.

I spent quite a lot of time pissing off my friends because I could get girls with a British accent, despite the fact that I was tubby and, like, not very cool.

If I'm not complaining, I'm not having a good time, hah hah!

Somebody asked me the other day, "What do you do?" "I amuse myself by growing old," I replied. "It's a full-time job.

The only question I ever ask any woman is, 'what time is your husband coming home?'

I don't think any other emotion is the equivalent of laughter. So I do whatever I can to laugh all the time and to hide my pain.

Fun is fun but no girl wants to laugh all of the time.

A photographer kept shooting me every time I swung. I was very flattered until I found out he was from Field and Stream.

If you can really laugh at yourself loud and hard every time you fall, people will think you're drunk.

At one time or another, farts have coincided with every other sound, including this quote.

The expression working like a dog dates back to a time in America when men would rise early, then lie around all day and lick their balls.

If I offend anybody tonight, I apologize. That's not my intention. I'm not going to guess what your personal line of decency is; I cross my own from time to time - it's how I know I still have one.

The difference between a fairy tale and a sea tale? A fairy tale starts with "Once upon a time". A sea tale starts with " This ain't no $hit"!

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

The last time somebody said, 'I find I can write much better with a word processor', I replied, 'They used to say the same thing about drugs'.

And killing time is perhaps the essence of comedy, just as the essence of tragedy is killing eternity.

My mother always told me the best way to learn to deal with a man was to learn to ride a mule. She said they have about equal brains most of the time. Sometimes the mule is smarter.

My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.

At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

I like the app where you can make your own memes. I make memes all the time and send them to my friends.