Quotes About Humor

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

Next time you're stunned by a large moon on the horizon, bend over and view it between your legs. The effect goes away entirely.

I didn't know what to expect from a famous movie star; maybe that he'd be sort of stuck-up, you know. But not Gary Cooper. He horsed around so much... that I had a hard time painting him.

However devoutly a girl may worship the man of her choice, there always comes a time when she feels an irresistible urge to haul off and let him have it in the neck.

I laughed from the time I arrived at the studio until I left at night. I was almost ashamed to take a paycheck.

Pulp Fiction is my favorite movie of all time.

If you've gotten yourself into a situation when Clay Aiken is going to talk about his feelings with you, it's time to kill yourself.

Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.

Dark comedy is very difficult. You have to bring the audience in and push them away at the same time.

There is nothing so absurd or ridiculous that has not at some time been said by some philosopher.

When you go out there to do comedy, you feel like you're doing battle with the audience a lot of the time. You're either going to get 'em, or you're not.

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.

I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already.

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

If you're politically correct, chances are you're not coming to one of my shows. I get to go onstage and say things that everybody thinks all the time, but can't say out loud.

I'm Irish, so I'm messing all the time. Which means, I'm having a laugh. I'm always making jokes.

I'm not planning a career change - not unless they need someone who constantly falls on the ice and is out of breath all the time.

Every time I mention her, Magnus says, "Are you two getting along?" in raised, hopeful tones, like we're endangered pandas who need to make a baby.

It's not so hard to be married, I've done it three or four times.

My secret to staying young... Having no sense of time.

I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

The joke of our time is the suicide of intention.