Quotes About Humor

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.

Man was made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.

Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big enough majority in any town?

One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.

I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying 'flee at once - all is discovered.' They all left town immediately.

Humor is tragedy plus time.

I don't like to commit myself about Heaven and Hell, you see, I have friends in both places.

Everytime I read 'Pride and Prejudice' I want to dig her up and beat her over the skull with her own shin-bone.

One should never use exclamation points in writing. It is like laughing at your own joke.

Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which before their union were not perceived to have any relation.

The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

To place man properly at the present time, he stands somewhere between the angels and the French.

Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in Heaven.

Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was that they escaped teething.

I saw a startling sight today, a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

Sufficient unto the day is one baby. As long as you are in your right mind don't you ever pray for twins. Twins amount to a permanent riot; and there ain't any real difference between triplets and a insurrection. - The Babies speech 1879

You have heretofore found out, by my teachings, that man is a fool; you are now aware that woman is a damned fool.

At noon I observed a bevy of nude young native women bathing in the sea, and I went and sat down on there clothes to keep them from being stolen.

Politicians are a lot like diapers. They should be changed frequently, and for the same reasons.

I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.

I think the Cincinnati Enquirer must be edited by children.

NOTICE Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. BY ORDER OF THE AUTHOR Per G.G.,Chief of Ordnance