Quotes About Humor

Being made merely in the image of God but not otherwise resembling him enough to be mistaken by anybody but a very near sighted person.

I have been an author for 20 years and an ass for 55.

There has been much tragedy in my life; at least half of it actually happened.

It is a mistake that there is no bath that will cure people's manners, but drowning would help.

Switzerland would me a mighty big place if it were ironed flat.

It takes a heap of sense to write good nonsense

I cannot see how a man of any large degree of humorous perception can ever be religious -- unless he purposely shut the eyes of his mind & keep them shut by force.

If there is no smoking in heaven, I'm not interested

I'm so happy I could scalp somebody. (Said after he got married)

To string incongruities and absurdities together in a wandering and sometimes purposeless way, and seem innocently unaware that they are absurdities, is the basis of the American art, if my position is correct.

When ever I get the urge to write, I lie down and it usually passes.

There are times when I would like to hang the whole human race, and finish the farce.

All great men are dead, and I'm not feeling too well myself

Mark Twain describes how his friend Ralph Keeler introduced him at the start of a lecture: 'I don't know anything about this man. At least I know only two things; one is, he hasn't been in the penitentiary, and the other is (after a pause, and almost sadly), I don't know why.

Concerning the difference between man and the jackass: some observers hold that there isn't any. But this wrongs the jackass.

What, sir, would the people of the Earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.

I like a thin book because it will steady a table, a leather volume because it will strop a razor and a heavy book because it can be thrown at a cat.

It is not that I believe that there are too many idiots in this world, just that lightning isn't distributed right.

This explains why, whenever a person says sie to me, I generally try to kill him, if a stranger.

If I owned half of that dog, I would shoot my half.

Good gracious! Anybody hurt?" "No'm. Killed a nigger." "Well, it's lucky; because sometimes people do get hurt.

It is ingeniously named, for it looks just as a cross would look if it looked like something else.

Say—what is dead cats good for, Huck? Good for? Cure warts with.

I admit that I treed a rheumatic grandfather of mine in the winter of 1850. He was old and inexpert in climbing trees, but with the heartless brutality that is characteristic of me I ran him out of the front door in his night-shirt at the point of a shotgun, and caused him to bowl up a maple tree, where he remained all night, while I emptied shot into his legs. I did this because he snored. I will do it again if I ever have another grandfather.