Quotes About Humor

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

THANKSGIVING DAY. Let us all give humble, hearty, and sincere thanks now, but the turkeys. In the island of Fiji they do not use turkeys; they use plumbers. It does not become you and me to sneer at Fiji.

I got some of their jabber out of a book. S'pose a man was to come to you and say Polly-voo-franzy—what would you think? I wouldn' think nuffn; I'd take en bust him over de head—dat

I`ve had a very difficult life. Fortunately, most of it didn`t happen.

What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce. "Woman—An Opinion" (speech) Some

I have never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure. -

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

you give me much more of your sass I'll take and bounce a rock off'n your head.

These are sad days in literature. Homer is dead. Shakespeare is dead. And I myself am not feeling at all well.

My mother had a great deal of trouble with me , but I think she enjoyed it

In your country and mine we should have the privilege of making fun of this kind of morality, but it would be unkind to do it here.Many of these people have the reasoning faculty, but no one uses it in religious matters.

bees wouldn't sting idiots; but I didn't believe that, because I had tried them lots of times myself, and they wouldn't sting me.

I] shall never use profanity except in discussing house rent and taxes. Indeed, upon second thought, I will not use it then, for it is unchristian, inelegant, and degrading--though to speak truly I do not see how house rent and taxes are going to be discussed worth a cent without it.

Foo-foo the First, King of the Mooncalves!

Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.

I am willing to be a literary thief if it has so been ordained; I am even willing to be caught robbing the ancient dead alongside of Hopkinson Smith, for he is my friend and a good fellow, and I think would be as honest as any one if he could do it without occasioning remark; but I am not willing to antedate his crimes by fifteen hundred years. I must ask you to knock off part of that.

There are many humorous things in the world; among them the white man's notion that he is less savage than the other savages.—[See

Tom Sawyer said I was a numskull.

My complaint simply concerns the decay of the _art_ of lying.

Artemus Ward used that trick a good deal; then when the belated audience presently caught the joke he would look up with innocent surprise, as if wondering what they had found to laugh at. Dan Setchell used it before

Oh, anybody can run a tick down that don't belong to them. I'm satisfied with it. It's a good enough tick for me. Sho, there's

Here they come, a tilting! Five hundred mailed and belted knights on bicycles!

Here the narrator bursts into explosion after explosion of thunderous horse-laughter, repeating that nub from time to time through his gaspings and shriekings and suffocatings.

If a stranger called and interrupted you, you said with your hearty tongue, I'm glad to see you, and said with your heartier soul, I wish you were with the cannibals and it was dinner-time. When