Quotes About Humor

My waist is a 30. The jeans are a 28. When I fart, the Reeboks blow off.

Mr. Herbert Demarest Alexander Hamilton Jr. High 2236 Bedford Avenue Brooklyn NY Dear Mr Demarest, Then why don't you give him 'Withering Heights'? At least Heathcoat knew how to kick some ass. Chas. Banks 3d Base

Like there's actually a need for Greenland. You can get ice at 7-Eleven.

The operation was a success, but I'm afraid the doctor is dead.

Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.

Yeah, well, we're all writers, aren't we? He's a writer that hasn't been published, and I'm a writer who hasn't written anything.

I have heard it said that a complicated childhood can lead to a life in the arts. I tell you this story of my father and me to let you know I am qualified to be a comedian.

Somewhere in the world is...The world's worst doctor and he could be yours.

I used to smoke marijuana. But I'll tell you something: I would only smoke it in the late evening. Oh, occasionally the early evening, but usually the late evening – or the mid-evening. Just the early evening, midevening and late evening. Occasionally, early afternoon, early midafternoon, or perhaps the late-midafternoon. Oh, sometimes the early-mid-late-early morning. . . . But never at dusk.

Always...no wait...never.....

With a cheery delicacy she divided my obsessions into three categories: acceptable, unacceptable, and hilarious.

I opened the show with this line: I have decided to give the greatest performance of my life! Oh, wait, sorry, that's tomorrow night.

I just gave my cat a bath. Now how do I get all this fur off my tounge?

In my opening seconds, I would say, It's great to be here, then move to several other spots on the stage and say, No, it's great to be here! I would move again: No, it's great to be here!

Comedy is a distortion of what is happening, and there will always be something happening.

Let's suppose that you want to say, I am a jerk. IN the 18th century, you would have to go around person to person and utter the phrase individually to each one of them. However, here in the third millennium, with our advances in telephone communication, it is possible to say I am a jerk to a thousand people at a time by forgetting to turn off your cell phone and having it ring during a performance of Death of a Salesman.

So she viewed time spent in the land of the normal as an investigation into the world of marriage-worthy men, even if she was unsure about her own interest in marriage. There must be one solid citizen who also had a spark of life, a sense of humor and adventure.

In spite of her depression, Mirabelle likes to think of herself as humourous. She can, when the occasion calls, become a wisecracker and buoyant party girl. This mood, Mirabelle thinks, sometimes makes her the centre of attention at parties and gatherings. The truth is that these episodes of gaiety merely raise her to normal, but for Mirabelle the feeling is so exceptional that she believes herself to be standing out.

Be tasteless, rude, and offensive, Live in a swamp and be three dimensional, Put a live chicken in your underwear, Get all excited and go to a yawning festival.

Doing comedy alone onstage is the ego's last stand.

No, no, I could never be a woman. I'd just stay at home and play with my breasts all day.

At least Clarissa knows I'm benign. But that is not an adjective one wants to throw around about one's spouse: This is my husband. He's benign.

The Feynman Dilemma A diner says to a waiter, "What's this fly doing in my soup?" And the waiter says, "It looks like the backstroke." Yet if the same scene is viewed while plunging into a black hole at the speed of light, it will look like a Mickey Mouse lunch pail from the thirties, except that Mickey's head has been replaced by a Lincoln penny

Now that I had assigned myself an act without jokes, I gave myself a rule. Never let them know I was bombing