Quotes About Humor

Carl Reiner. He had an entrenched sense of glee; he used humor as a gentle way of speaking difficult truths;

Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them. Steve Martin

I did stand-up comedy for eighteen years.

Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.

Preparing for Catwoman role by leaping off roof into shrub. On third try, I managed to hit the shrub.

Next phase of weight loss program: Brazilian Butt Workout. I've looked at a hundred photos. So far, not working.

How's the uh..uh..(look at palm) SCREENPLAY going… uh..uh..(racking brain) LESLIE NIELSEN." Yipes. Or:

iPhone just synced perfectly with toaster. All is well.

And now Dr. Phil's latest book, Here's Some More Advice I Pulled Out of My Ass. —David Letterman

If you ask an Irishman for directions, he might be quick to answer, Well if I were going there, I would not start here.

This life is full of trials and tribulations, so you have to capture humor whenever and wherever you can find it.

Ooh ho!" he says. "In such a small boat? Tonto!" Fool. "It's not so small, it's my whole house." The old man gestures toward his lower abdomen with cupped hands as if holding gigantic organs. We laugh at his joke as I shake my head no, open my eyes wide, and shiver as if frightened.

I had entered Kidneyland. I was officially a patient now. Somehow, I had managed to walk through the door: WELCOME TO THE WORLD OF SICKNESS. We have air-conditioning and HBO.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Just Like Canada, with Better Bacon.

Si se suman, por ejemplo, todos los hombres y mujeres del planeta, se comprobará que, por término medio, el humano adulto medio tiene una mama y un testículo…

If the cartoon were completely accurate, though, life would be a cacophany of spoinks.

There is a joke about a little girl who is filling in a hole in her garden when a neighbor looks over the fence. He politely asks, Hi! What are you up to? My goldfish died, replies the girl tearfully, and I've just buried him. The neighbor asks, Isn't that an awfully big hole for a goldfish? The little girl tamps down the soil and replies, That's because he's inside your stupid cat.

A great principle of moral advancement, on par with Love thy neighbor and All men are created equal, is the one on the bumper sticker: Shit happens.

One way to drive home the futility and evil of war is to tap the distancing power of satire.

Last time I was down South I walked into this restaurant and this white waitress came up to me and said, We don't serve colored people here. I said, That's all right. I don't eat colored people. Bring me a whole fried chicken."14

And according to a joke that was told many times in 1993, Bill and Hillary Clinton were being driven through her hometown when Hillary spotted an old boyfriend pumping gas. If you hadn' married me, said Bill, you'd be the wife of a gas station attendant. If I hadn't married you, replied Hillary, he would be president.

A reporter once sent Cary Grant the telegram, "How old Cary Grant?" He replied, "Old Cary Grant fine.