Quotes About Wit

When men drink, then they are rich and successful and win lawsuits and are happy and help their friends. Quickly, bring me a beaker of wine, so that I may wet my mind and say something clever.

Wit is a dangerous talent in friendship.

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.

I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown?

If you can be funny, it means you're intelligent. Your brain is working fast.

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

The most difficult character in comedy is that of the fool, and he must be no simpleton that plays that part.

If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.

I wish I had a funny story.

Puns are the highest form of literature.

I grew up as a very sarcastic person. I was always the class clown, and to date girls I had to be really funny. I was really skinny growing up.

What did the carrot say to the wheat? Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet.

I have no idea what I'm going to say when I stand up to give a toast. But I do know that anything I say I find funny.

I'd rather not have a moment when I'm known for my looks; being funny and interesting lasts longer.

If I were to insult people and mean it, that wouldn't be funny.

Most of my ideas just come out funny.

Some people are amazed at my brain, but really it's nothing.

Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

Responding to a question about remarks attributed to him that he did not think were his: "I really didn't say everything I said."

I was once thrown out of a mental hospital for depressing the other patients.