Quotes from Scott McNeely

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Hey buddy, why the long face?

Q: When do you stop at green and go at red? A: When you're eating a watermelon.

A child walks in to the living room and asks, "Dad, where does poo come from?" Without wanting to be too explicit the father replies, "Well, first Mommy makes us dinner. Then we eat it. Then the body takes away all the goodness from the food to make us strong. Then we sit on the toilet. What's left comes out as poo." Looking horrified the child asks, "But Dad, what about Tigger and Eeyore??

Waiter, waiter! Do you have frog legs? No, sir, I always walk this way.

Q: What do you call a pissed-off German? A: Sauerkraut.

Three brothers living in China want to immigrate to the United States. The brothers are named Bu, Chu, and Fu. So they decide to change their names to seem more American. Bu changed his name to Buck. Chu changed his name to Chuck. And Fu got sent back to China.

Q: Why is there no Disneyland in China? A: No one's tall enough to go on the rides.

Two old men are sitting on the front porch of their retirement home. One man turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?" "Oh yes, sure I do." "What do you do about it?" the first man asks. "I usually suck a lifesaver or two," the second man replies. After a few moments the first man asks, "Who drives you to the beach?

Q: Why can't Chinese barbecue? A: Because the rice falls through the grill.

Q: What do you call a fat Chinaman? A: A chunk.

Q: What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? A: Don't know, don't care.

Q: What is the first derivative of a cow? A: Prime rib.

Q: Why didn't 4 like 5? A: Because he was odd.

Q: What did the Chinese couple name their special-needs baby? A: Sum Ting Wong.

Two Chinese people named Mr. and Mrs. Wong were married and had a child. They asked the doctor if they could see their newborn. A nurse brought over their baby, but it was a white baby. The two of them said, "Hey, that's not our baby! That's a white baby. We are Chinese and two Wongs definitely don't make a white.

A Caucasian man was sitting at the bar when a slightly drunk Chinese man said to him, "I am sick of seeing your big round eyes." The Caucasian replied, "Put on a blindfold." "Where do I get one?" the Chinese man slurred. "Here, take my shoelace.

Q: What did the duck say to the store clerk? A: Just put it on my bill.

A bear walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a bourbon and…a Coke." The bartender says, "What's up with the big pause?" The bear says, "I've had them my whole life.

Q: What do cats have for breakfast? A: Mice Crispies.

A penguin walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "You look like you're wearing a tuxedo." The penguin says, "What makes you think I'm not?

Q: Why do bees have sticky hair? A: Because they use honeycombs.

A pony trots into a bar and says, "Bartender, I'd like a beer." The bartender says, "What? Speak up, I can't hear you." "A beer," the pony replies, "I'd like a beer." "What? I still can't hear you," the bartender says. "What's with your voice?" "Nothing," the pony says. "I'm just a little hoarse.

Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils? A: Because they have big fingers.

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and they proceed to get loaded. The giraffe drinks so much it passes out on the floor. The man gets up and heads for the door when the bartender yells, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!" The drunk replies, "That's no lion! It's a giraffe.