Quotes from Roseanne Barr

We're not meant to be parents when we're 50.

Take this marriage thing seriously - it has to last all the way to the divorce.

I meditate so I know how to find a peaceful place within to be calm and peaceful.

I always was a writer, but then I wanted to do stand-up because I thought that was a way that I could perform what I wrote.

You know, I'm blessed. 'Blessed' is a better way of saying 'rich.'

You kind of restructure your whole personality to be in a healthy relationship.

A guy is a lump like a doughnut. So, first you gotta get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him. And then you gotta get rid of all that macho crap that they pick up from beer commercials. And then there's my personal favorite, the male ego.

Ever since I was a girl, I have written about one to five pages every day - on napkins, on scrap paper, in notebooks and tablets, on the walls in my room as a teenager, and in orange paint on the cheap white plastic blinds in my room.

A lot of men are impotent and it's very sad. How many of you are impotent? I see. Can't get your arms up either?

One of the first things I bought when I made 'Roseanne Show' money was a farm in Iowa.

I have more money than God, but not as much as Oprah.

My children love me. I'm like the mother they never had.

I figure if the kids are alive at the end of the day, I've done my job.

I figure when my husband comes home from work, if the kids are still alive, then I've done my job.

I used to think that communing with nature was a healing, positive thing. Now, I think I'd like to commune with other things - like room service and temperature control.

I consider myself to be a pretty good judge of people... that's why I don't like any of them.

I was raised on government cheese. As an adult, in my first marriage, my husband and I worked real hard just to go bankrupt. I happened to write some jokes about it. I did real well for myself.

No government in the Middle East is innocent. Wars make the stock market go up, so no one in America is innocent either, nor anyone anywhere where capitalism reigns.

Without democracy in our homes, we will never have it in the world.

Comedy is the only hope for humanity.

My family were hitters. If you made them laugh, they didn't hit you. My dad wouldn't hit me if I got him with humor right between the eyes.

You can always get better. Nobody can stop you from getting better, and nobody can stop you from trying to make something right.

You can't break through Hollywood formulaic points of view. I've tried, and I think I was more successful than anybody at doing it.

There's a lot more to being a woman than being a mother, but there's a hell of a lot more to being a mother than most people suspect.