Quotes from Roseanne Barr

I am a woman, therefore I am a problem solver.

There is no real third party in America. There's this one party that has two sides to it - the Democratic and Republican side. It's one party that has two heads.

What's the worst that could happen? A tornado picks up our house and slams it down in a better neighborhood.

This bugs me the worst. That's when the husband thinks that the wife knows where everything is, huh? Like they think the uterus is a tracking device. He comes in: "Hey, Roseanne! Roseanne! Do we have any Cheetos left?" Like he can't go over and lift up the sofa cushion himself.

A little uptight? Hey, man you couldn't drag a needle out of her butt with a tractor.

I loved work and I loved pouring myself into the work, you know. It was the real life that I had trouble with.

I'm funnier now because I'm braver and less full of hate, so everything is even more ridiculous than it was before.

The real truth is, I just want to keep the voice of dissent alive in all of our elections. I don't really want to hang out with politicians. I'd rather go straight to hell, and not collect $200.

Birth control that really works: Every night before we go to bed we spend an hour with our kids.

Well, the way I look at it, I'm still working with hair; only now, it's in the food.

I've already talked to my spirit animal. He's got nothing else to tell me. I'm 60, I've done it all. I'm totally over it.

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.

The only thing I've ever wanted for my kids is that they're happy, and that they're out of the house. And I'll tell you what, happy ain't even that important.

I'm never going to get married again. Three strikes you're out. I think if I would try to get married again in California I have to go to prison don't I? I think you only get three.

In this country, the people who affect things the most—how the rest of us think and feel—are comics. It's true. Because a comic needs to understand the big picture in order to fracture it and present it to people so they can see it more clearly. Comedy is the only hope for humanity.

It was very trippy to get a phone call that said, "Hold please for the president of the United States." He congratulated all of us and he was very impressed with the ratings. He's very into ratings. He was very nice and we talked about quite a few things. I have had political people call me before, but never the president of the United States.

Being nuts is its own reward.

I was completely nuts for most of my life.

I always felt that it was easier to take a funny person and teach them to write television than to take somebody who was a television writer and make them funny.

The only reason I didn't kill my parents is because I did not want to spend my life in prison.

The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest.

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

Kids are cute, but they're so rude. I was taking a shower, when my daughter came in and said, "Gosh Mom, I hope when I grow up my breasts are nice and long like yours."

I've got three kids. I had one with the birth control pill, one with a diaphragm, and another with the IUD. I don't know what happened to my IUD, but I have my suspicions. That kid picks up HBO.