Quotes from Roseanne Barr

I think I should be here alone to rethink the world, I do. I want these lesser humans gone.

The basic thing is, people want to get paid, so they'll say the things that get them paid, in entertainment or politics.

The one who cares the most wins. ... That's how I knew I'd end up with everyone else waving the white flags and not me. That's how I knew I'd be the last person standing when it was all over. ... I cared the most.

I survived my childhood by birthing many separate identities to stand in for one another in times of great stress and fear.

I like to get people talking. I am a provocateur, and I do like getting on Twitter and riling people up. You know what, after a while some sane dialogue and sane conclusions come of that kind of thing.

I will barnstorm American living rooms. Mainstream media will be unable to ignore me, but more importantly they will be unable to overlook the needs of average Americans in the run-up to the 2012 election.

Patriarchy is impotent and qualitatively unable to solve even the most simple problems in the cosmos such as picking up their own socks or placing a carton of milk back in the refrigerator after drinking from it.

We never get sick of each other. That's how sick we are.

The most out-there thing I'm saying is, 'Don't have babies. Don't get married and have kids. Have a larger life than that.

You may marry the man of your dreams ladies but fourteen years later you're married to a couch that burps.

To say that I have an undisciplined mind would not be incorrect overall, but it's a little off the mark because I have great discipline when I write - but only for about ten minutes.

You know when you first get rich, and you, like, just buy everything that you see? I did that for several years. And I have sheds full of things, maybe sometimes nine copies of the same thing.

The end of my addiction to fame happened at the exact moment 'Roseanne' dropped out of the top ten, in the seventh of our nine seasons. It was mysteriously instantaneous!

Nobody wanted the 'Roseanne' show. I heard from agents that there was no interest in a show about a fat woman and her family.

Since I had my gastric bypass surgery in 1998, I eat like a bird. Unfortunately, that bird is a California condor.

I'm not a politician. I think that uniquely qualifies me to become president of the U.S.

I try to do women's-point-of-view comedy. The joke is, 'This is what I think; there's the truth.' I try to think of stuff that's real broad, but the more personal it is, the more universal it is. All my friends go through the same stuff.

Women are cursed, and men are the proof.

Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling a hundred miles.

A good man doesn't just happen. They have to be created by us women. A guy is a lump like this doughnut.

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.

A lot of people in television who've had successful shows claim the 'Roseanne' show as their starting place, and I'm really proud of that.

I can't have cats around me because they try to steal my energy.

They've said 'Roseanne's nuts' for years, and now I'm going to make that a reality - I'm all about nuts now, macadamia nuts!