Quotes from Roseanne Barr

I am an observant Jew! Now my secret is out.

As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.

"The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest."

The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner.

I loved work and I loved pouring myself into the work, you know. It was the real life that I had trouble with.

I'm never going to get married again. Three strikes, you're out. I think if I would try to get married again in California, I have to go to prison, don't I? I think you only get three.

Women of this planet need some essential resources: wells, seeds and roads. That is primarily all we have ever needed. Added to that, women need righteous and strong men who will help us to use our most cherished gifts: the ability to multitask and problem solve.

I'm a comic, and I'm supposed to outrage and make people laugh, Part of makin' people laugh is to shake up their thinkin'. That's what I came here to do.

I actually get more conservative when I'm in Vegas.

politics and religion in the United States work like the twin grips of a pair of pliers on a critical mass of the masses.

When I used to watch comedians with my dad, he laid it all out for me. He wanted to be a comedian himself, and he was so funny. We'd watch stand-up on TV, and he'd tell me the subtext of what they were saying.

The thing women have got to learn is that nobody gives you power. You just take it.

Eating cookies that you bake with your grandmother is one of the greatest social steps one must experience in order to grow up into a decent world citizen, in my opinion.

I want to eat, cook, meet famous people and make fun of them.

Pot enables you to think clearly without any fear or any limits. It's a mind-expander, which is part of why it's illegal and why drugs like Vicodin are legal.

It's okay to be fat. So you're fat. Just be fat and shut up about it.

I know how to do anythingI'm a mom

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

And, you know, I liked writing humor. Well, I should say, I wanted to write seriously, but it kept turning funny.

I like it when very little children think for themselves, because they do not have access to car keys or credit cards or crack pipes, but they have some really funny lines.

I always felt that it was easier to take a funny person and teach them to write television than to take somebody who was a television writer and make them funny.

I have horrible stage fright - you know how you go through the bi-polar stage fright thing? Then you go on drugs to get over the stage fright and perform, but then you're not funny at all.

When I was little, that was one thing that I was told in a vision: I was going to have my own show when I grew up. And it's going to be funny.

Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?