Quotes from Roseanne Barr

A guy is a lump like a doughnut. So, first you gotta get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him. And then you gotta get rid of all that macho crap that they pick up from beer commercials. And then there's my personal favorite, the male ego.

I'm not going to vacuum until Sears makes one you can ride on.

Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself.

It's okay to be fat. So you're fat. Just be fat and shut up about it.

As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.

The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.

Men can read maps better than women. 'Cause only the male mind could conceive of one inch equaling a hundred miles.

My hope is that gays will be running the world, because then there would be no war. Just a greater emphasis on military apparel.

Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?

Take this marriage thing seriously - it has to last all the way to the divorce.

I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job.

If you spend all your time worrying about dying, living isn't going to be much fun.

Meditation state is a place of deep relaxation where you can pinpoint the things you do and to set a paradigm switch from effect to cause. So how to be a cause in your own life.

My real life is funnier than anything on TV.

Finding a calm place inside myself through meditation kind of helped me to get over a lot of mental illness ... it's just been a really great thing in my life.

Honestly, a lot of the human etiquette I learned in life I learned from, like, thank-you notes and dating Jimmy Kimmel.

I gave Joss Whedon and Judd Apatow their first writing jobs, as well as many other untried writers who went on to great success.

I do say that I am in favor of the return of the guillotine and that is for the worst of the worst of the guilty.

Everything here must be done twice as no one can do it right the first time.

The fact that my grown kids like to hang out with me, I mean, it just - I don't think it really can get any better than that, I don't think.

The American people are sick and tired of this 'lesser evil' garbage they get fed every election year. Both the Democrats and the Republicans do the same evils once they're in office.

I'm tired of watching as men destroy all the world. Everything used to be beautiful when women were in charge, and now I, working as the physical manifestation of the goddess Isis and the reincarnation of Cleopatra, have decided to save the world.

Birth control that really works - every night before we go to bed we spend an hour with our kids.

Humanity is a failed experiment, but I think I'm God and I'd like to start over. I don't want to die, I just want everyone else to. I certainly would not be lonely. It would be exciting never having to listen to another person again but just my own self droning on and on. That's why I write a blog. And I read it, too.