Quotes from Mark Goulston

The next time you catch yourself running on that transactional hamster wheel, try something different. Stop what you're doing, and sit down. Take a breath. And say to yourself: "What would I like to be doing with my life this time next year?" or "What do I need more or less of in my life right now?" or "If my kids looked at me 20 years from now, what would make them proud of me?

Remember the three-brain model I talked about earlier—mammal brain on top of reptile brain and human brain on top of mammal brain, with each one building on the one that came earlier in evolution? The instant judgments we make about people are similar, because they too build on the past. That doesn't mean they're entirely wrong. (In fact, an initial "gut instinct" is often spot-on.) But it means they're not entirely right, either.

In the end we regret not what we have done but what we have not done.

A know-it-all who doesn't know what he is talking about is a jerk. A know-it-all who does know what he is talking about is just an ass.

Most breakdowns lead to breakthroughs.

Then, when you find yourself starting down the rocky road to self-defeat, pause, reflect, and

And what about the person who's on the defensive? Initially, this human punching bag is frustrated because no matter what he or she is trying to mirror outward——I'm sorry, I'm confused, I'm scared, I had a good reason for what I did—the ignorant blamer is blind to it. As a result, the person who's under attack is usually in a state of quiet, barely controlled rage.

Step 1: Increase physical awareness. Impulses begin as physical sensations. Stop and notice what you feel and where you feel it. In your stomach? Head? Neck? Chest? Step 2: Increase emotional awareness. Try to connect the physical sensation to an emotion. Why do you feel tense? What do you feel angry about? What are you afraid of?

Why do these people behave the way they do? To stay in control. As I mentioned in Chapter 2, irrational people—especially those who are firmly in the grip of crazy—are terrified of losing control.

An irrational person's M.O. is a weapon. However, it's also a weakness because if you can figure out the person's M.O., you can turn this information to your advantage.

People who were coddled often are needy or manipulative or become highly emotional when they're expected to do something they don't want to do.

People who were constantly criticized often become bullies or know-it-alls, or become rigidly logical and practical.

People who were ignored tend to be fearful, withdrawn, or hopeless—or become martyrs, because they're accustomed to not receiving help when they ask for it.

When you ask people questions, respect their answers. If they offer a good idea, act on it (and let them know that you did). Even if they're off base, acknowledge their remarks with a comment like, "That's worth thinking about" or "I hadn't looked at it that way." If the situation warrants, acknowledge a comment by saying "Smart idea" or "I'm glad you're on our team—I need people with creative ideas like that.

When you understand irrational people's M.O.s, it'll be easier for you to realize that their weeping, coldness, whining, withdrawal, or attack-dog behavior isn't really about you. Instead, it's about them and their need to feel in control.

identifying an irrational person's M.O. gives you considerable power over him.

First we are children to our parents, then parents to our children, then parents to our parents, then children to our children." —MILTON GREENBLATT, M.D.

Picturing the good things that will happen if you act more constructively can serve as an incentive to change.

To listen well is as powerful a means of communication and influence as to talk well. —JOHN MARSHALL, CHIEF JUSTICE OF THE SUPREME COURT, 1801–1835

Perceiving is believing. Misperceiving is deceiving— And worse yet, prevents achieving. The

increase their sales,

You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist." —INDIRA GANDHI

Both partners describe one of their own character flaws. Humility resolves self-righteousness.

Both partners share a quality of the other person that they admire. Admiration resolves disappointment. Both partners express appreciation for something that the other one did. Gratitude resolves resentment. Both partners apologize, without excuses, for something they did to hurt the other person. Remorse resolves hurt.