Quotes from Mark Goulston

Stage 2 At this point, you're dealing with someone who's no longer striking out wildly but is still venting—better, but still a problem. So your next goal is to move the person from the emotional middle (mammal) brain up into the rational upper (human) brain.

Occasionally you'll slide into crazy when an upset causes your three brains to temporarily misalign, but you won't live there permanently.

True listening, she says, isn't something that merely happens to you. It's something to do and to feel, to throw yourself into rationally, emotionally, and physically. Listening is something to engage with multiple senses. It isn't passive or reactive; it's creative. And to do it well, you must feel the experience—not just think about it.

crazy starts with a misaligned brain,

1. Say to the person, "And the reason it's so important to fix this or make this better now is ______________." This fill-in-the-blanks technique requires the person to think of an answer, which opens the door to the reasoning (human) parts of the brain.

Nearly all the violence that we hear about in the media is triggered by rage, and more specifically, by impotent rage. Impotent rage results when a person feels rejected and humiliated by people and feels powerless to do anything about it. Having few effective internal coping skills, the person explodes and lashes out at the world.

Here are the three keys: Get in (quickly and efficiently describe the issue), neutralize the problem (by explaining how to handle it or why it isn't really a problem), and get out (move on to the next topic —do not linger or go into excess detail). Here's an example.

Fail #1: Coddling

Practice moving quickly from: Oh fuck! (reaction) to Oh God! (emotional release) to Oh Jeez (re-centre yourself) to Oh well (re-focus) to OK (you are ready to fix this)

Those who have been coddled often develop a form of crazy in which they tell themselves, "Someone will do things for me." Consequently, they feel entitled to success and happiness without having to earn it.

When you stipulate to a potential problem or flaw, do it in a confident and unselfconscious way. The more relaxed you are, the more relaxed the person you're communicating with will be—and the easier it will be for both of you to focus on your message.

Next time you have a quiet moment, ask yourself this question: "What's holding you back from accomplishing your goals, and how frustrating is that for you?

To succeed in your career, it's less important what you know or even who you know than who truly knows you and how they know you. —IVAN MISNER, FOUNDER, BNI

Fail #2: Criticizing

Fail #3: Ignoring

The Ideal: Supporting

When you use the Empathy Jolt, avoid the mistake of interjecting your own opinions during the process—even if they're positive ones ("I certainly agree about what you're saying about Simon's talents"). Your goal is to get two people to mirror each other, and they can't do that if you're standing between them. So facilitate, but don't butt in.

Think of the sanest people in your life, the people you'd describe as poised, wise, emotionally intelligent, kind, or good. In my experience, most of these people had childhoods that made them strong and resilient.

How does the Magic Paradox work? By setting into motion a cascade of "yes" coming from the other person ("Yes, you're right, my life is a mess, and I can't take it anymore"), you shift the person's attitude from disagreement to agreement. Once you establish that rapport, the person is emotionally primed to cooperate instead of punch back.

you're not trying to solve the problem that's on the table right now (a kid who's violating curfew, a coworker who's missing deadlines, etc.). Instead, you're shifting people to a place where they can solve the problem—and the next one that comes up, and the one after that.

When people have mentors like this, they grow up feeling safe and confident. As a result, they develop a strong core.

When they're faced with new challenges, they think, "I can do this.

When they have setbacks, they don't resort to whining, blaming someone, or withdrawing. Instead, they're determined.

Years ago, for instance, I realized that most of the CEOs and managers I meet are not just smart but also wise—but they don't often get a chance to share their wisdom. They're focused so intently on the mundane day-to-day problems of running a business that they rarely have the opportunity to think deeply and creatively and use their highest and usually considerable intellectual abilities.