Quotes from Mark Goulston

ask yourself if you're doing far more than your fair share, and if it's frustrating or exhausting you.

But other times, you'll discover that you're sticking with an irrational person simply because you don't want to feel like a bad person yourself.

If you can't find an actual partner or monitor, try conjuring the image of a loving parent, grandparent, friend or teacher—someone you would not want to disappoint, and whom you can imagine saying, "Good work, you're doing great!" when you finally do what you've been avoiding. Even if only imagined, the support of another person can be the key to getting done what you would otherwise put off.

Everyone has an invisible sign hanging from their neck saying, "Make me feel important.

If you're not too heavily invested in your relationship with a personality-disordered person, consider getting out.

Even with a great vision, people lose their enthusiasm and fail to accomplish what they're capable of doing if their leaders are dropping the ball.

But what happens if we look back for support and don't get it? We become less confident about stepping into the unknown. We succeed less and fail more. We move two steps forward and three steps back.

The first step in finding the sane inside the crazy is to believe it's there.

An ounce of apology is worth a pound of resentment and a ton of "acting out by underperforming.

An exaggeration is a truth that has lost its temper. —KAHLIL GIBRAN, POET AND PHILOSOPHER

The trick to this approach is to ask the question ("Do you really believe that?") not in a hostile or degrading manner, but very calmly and in a straightforward way. Your intent is not to antagonize the other person, but rather to make the person stop and realize, "I really am making a mountain out of a molehill. I must sound like a jackass.

This proves I'm totally worthless" leads to despair and loss of confidence, while "I can't stand when I act that way" can lead to wisdom and determination.

identify the negative qualities that you find most bothersome in the people around you and start acting toward these people as though they're exhibiting the opposing positive qualities. For

Since self-defeating behavior goes back to the childhood experience of being alone and defenseless, it is easier to overcome it in adulthood if you get support from other people. The actual role your helpers play doesn't matter. They can assist you directly, provide moral support or agree to hold you accountable for the changes you vow to make. What's important is that you know you're not alone. This will strengthen your confidence and determination.

If you have a setback, instead of beating yourself to death for making a mistake, convert your self-contempt into self-determination. Ask yourself what you would do if you could do it over again. Develop a plan of action for the next time the situation arises.

Of course, every few years you may be shocked when someone responds to your question "Do you really believe that?" with a very firm "yes." If so, be reachable yourself and listen to what the person has to say. A person who's brave enough to say "yes" to this question, and to stick by that answer, probably has some legitimate issues and will be happier and more productive if you iron those issues out.

Your most unhappy customers are your greatest source of learning. —BILL GATES, MICROSOFT CHAIRMAN

All persuasion moves through the steps of this cycle. To take people from the beginning to the end of the Persuasion Cycle, you need to speak with them in a manner that moves them: From resisting to listening From listening to considering From considering to willing to do From willing to do to doing From doing to glad they did and continuing to do

The key to winning is poise under stress. —PAUL BROWN, THE LATE COACH OF THE CLEVELAND BROWNS AND CINCINNATI BENGALS

Your brain has three layers that evolved over millions of years: a primitive reptile layer, a more evolved mammal layer, and a final primate layer. They all interconnect, but in effect they often act like three different brains—and they're often at war with each other.

The lower reptilian brain is the "fight-or-flight" part of your brain. This region of your brain is all about acting and reacting, without a lot of thinking going on. It can also leave you frozen in a perceived crisis—the "deer-in-the-headlights" response.

The middle mammal brain is the seat of your emotions. (Call it your inner drama queen.) It's where powerful feelings—love, joy, sadness, anger, grief, jealousy, pleasure—arise.

To a small extent, these three brains work together. To a greater extent, however, they tend to pull apart and function independently—especially when we're under stress. When that happens and the reptile or mammal brain takes control, the human thinking brain is eclipsed, and we shift into primal brain functions.

Sometimes the easy way out is the right way in.