Quotes from Mark Goulston

you will deal, every day, with people who have "mirror neuron gaps" because the world isn't giving back to them what they're putting out. (My guess, in fact, is that this is a nearly universal condition of humankind.) Understanding a person's hunger and responding to it is one of the most potent tools you'll ever discover for getting through to anyone you meet in business or your personal life.

It is not a guilt tripping, it is empathy training

The customer is sometimes wrong. —HERB KELLEHER, FORMER CHAIRMAN AND CEO, SOUTHWEST AIRLINES

An ounce of apology is worth a pound of resentment

What I mean by crazy is irrational. There are four ways in which the people you deal with can be irrational: •?They can't see the world clearly. •?They say or think things that make no sense. •?They make decisions and take actions that aren't in their best interest. •?They become downright impossible when you try to guide them back to the side of reason.

Your client is that common animal, the Classic Narcissist. He doesn't care if he's making your life miserable, cutting into your profit margin, or getting you in trouble with the boss. He wants what he wants—and he wants it now, now, now.

Good clients and customers raise the bar. Bad ones just keep hitting you over the head with it.

Conceal a flaw, and the world will imagine the worst. —MARCUS VALERIUS MARTIAL, ROMAN POET

1. Recognize that the person you're dealing with isn't able to think rationally in the current situation.

2. Identify the person's modus operandi—the specific way he acts out his crazy.

People's early experiences shape how crazy or how sane they become.

3. Realize that the crazy behavior isn't about you. Instead, it's all about the person you're dealing with.

The measure of self-assurance is how deeply and sincerely interested you are in others. The measure of insecurity is how much you try to impress them with you.

4. Talk with the irrational person, leaning into his crazy by entering his world calmly and with intention.

Why is stipulation a smart technique? Because when people already know (or will quickly find out) the problem that you're admitting to, your best move is to get it out of the way. Even better, you can often transform that problem into a powerful asset.

The key fact to know when somebody goes nuclear is that the person is stuck in attack mode, so rational, reasonable, intelligent conversation won't work. A guy who's throwing a computer at the boss or waving a gun around can't listen to reason, because he can't access the higher thought processes that say "Hey, calm down—this is crazy.

5. Show the person that you are an ally rather than a threat by listening calmly and empathetically as he vents.

Your task, if you're facing a person who's running amok, is to break that lock. How? By talking the person up gradually from "I want to hurt someone" to "I'm terribly upset" to "I need to find a smart way to handle this." These stages correlate with the three levels of the brain: the primitive reptile brain, the emotional mammal brain, and the logical human brain.

Inside every person is a real person. Who is just as afraid or nervous or in need of empathy as anyone else. Make a person feel felt.

6. Help guide the person to a saner way of thinking when he is calm.

That would be like saying, "I can't fix this." Being stuck forever with no way out is a very scary feeling.

To do that, follow these steps: 1. Say, "Tell me what happened." Venting allows the person to begin moving from blindly striking out (the most primitive response) to feeling emotional (a higher response). The person's screaming or yelling will upset you, but it's far less dangerous than the threat of physical violence—so let it happen.

3. Wait until the person says "Yes." The simple act of saying "Yes" causes the person to move in the direction of agreement rather than hostility. "Yes" also indicates a willingness to pull away from acting out. If the person corrects what you've said in any way, repeat the information you're given.

4. Now say, "And that makes you feel angry/frustrated/ disappointed/upset or what exactly…." Pick the word you think best describes what the person feels. If the person corrects you, ask the person to say what the actual feeling is and repeat it back and get another "Yes." Remember that when someone attaches a word to a feeling, it lowers agitation. That's critical.