Quotes from Mark Goulston

One explanation for the effectiveness of making a person "feel felt" lies in the mirror neurons I talked about earlier. When you mirror what another person feels, the person is wired to mirror you in return. Say "I understand what you're feeling," and the other person will feel grateful and spontaneously express that gratitude with a desire to understand you in return. It's an irresistible biological urge, and one that pulls the person toward you.

If you achieve triunal agility, you become adaptable and resilient. As a result, you can deal with whatever life throws at you—even big upsets and tragedies. Occasionally you'll slide into crazy when an upset causes your three brains to temporarily misalign, but you won't live there permanently.

Think about what you're thinking. When you consciously analyze the ideas you've formed about a person and weigh these perceptions against reality, you can rewire your brain and build new, more accurate perceptions. Then you'll be communicating with the person who's really in front of you—not the fictitious character conjured up by your false perceptions.

Something I know about seemingly confident people, and especially people who work in large companies, is that often they're more afraid of making a mistake than they are of wanting to do something right. (That's especially true for managers or CEOs in their mid-forties, and even truer if they're men.) That's because they're afraid of being pounced on if things go badly and afraid of the hit their self-esteem will take if they screw up.

The more anxious and alone or inadequate and incompetent they feel, the more tenaciously they hold to whatever thoughts, attitudes and behaviors bring relief. If they do not develop more effective coping mechanisms, the ones that bring relief solidify into self-defeating behaviors.

you probably know a lot less than you think you do about the people you want to reach, whether they're new in your life or people you've known forever. That what you think you know may be very wrong. And that reaching these people doesn't just mean opening their minds to you. It also means rewiring yourself so you can see these people as they really are.

In triunal rigidity, your three brains become aligned with a reality that isn't the one you're currently facing. This leaves you trapped in thought patterns that don't make sense in the present and stops you from accurately processing changes in the future. The result? Chronically crazy behavior—that is, doing the same things over and over and expecting a new reality to change back into the old reality in which those things worked.

All the beautiful sentiments in the world weigh less than a simple lonely action.

That's because even if what we want is best for all concerned, other people don't want it shoved down their throats. They want to align with us, work with us, and be valued by us. They don't want to be run over by us. If we trample them to get our way, we may get them to do what we want right now, but they'll be angry about it later . . . and they'll let other people know.

Some are angry because they feel deprived of parental approval or love. Some are frustrated because their parents don't understand them and won't even try. Some resent their parents' attempts to control them, while others resent their indifference. And almost all of them feel guilty for not appreciating those who sacrificed so much to raise them.

But the goal is not to replace what cannot be replaced, or duplicate what cannot be duplicated, but simply to create opportunities for new memories. One

Things do not change; we change. Henry David Thoreau

The joys of parents are secret, and so are their griefs and fears." —FRANCIS BACON

Self-involvement is usually at the root of self-defeating behavior in relationships.

This insight works especially well for men who long to hear their fathers say the magic words, "I'm proud of you, son." Men who, as kids, did not have the admiration of their dads feel a gaping deprivation; those who did have it long for sweet boyhood moments they can never recapture. That is why, if you want to see a grown man cry, get him to talk about his father.

You can't always change the people around you. But you can change the people you're around.

before you tackle the bruising challenge of talking to "crazy," make sure you have a good reason to go there.

Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence." —GEORGE WASHINGTON

You can't be curious and on the attack at the same moment.

Humility is the surest sign of strength. —THOMAS MERTON, AUTHOR AND TRAPPIST MONK

Self-defeating behavior occurs when we fail to learn the lessons that life tries to teach us. It represents the victory of impulse over awareness, immediate gratification over lasting satisfaction, relief over resolution. Self-defeating behavior invariably begins as an attempt to make ourselves feel better. It is a coping mechanism.

That's it, just two quick questions: "What's something that would be impossible?" and, "What would make it possible?" What's so powerful about those two questions? They move a person from a defensive, closed position or a selfish, excuse-making stance into an open, thinking attitude. And they make the person picture your vision as a reality and cooperate in thinking strategically about reaching that reality.

Making excuses for chronic promise-breakers is invariably self-defeating.

I strongly recommend the Reverse Play if you're dealing with someone who has the skills and ability to do a job, but isn't giving 100 percent.